


You Can (Not) Be a Boy: a Neon Genesis Evangelion Story

by picklemaddierix



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Female Ikari Shinji, Trans Ikari Shinji
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26021095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picklemaddierix/pseuds/picklemaddierix
Summary: (major spoilers For Neon Genesis Evangelion) The original Neon Genesis Evangelion was a tragedy, the story of a boy who could not love himself and ended up hurting people and destroying the whole world in the process. This story asks what would happen if Shinji could love himself, and what if Shinji wasn't a he after all. If one can reject their assigned gender, can one disobey The Dead Sea Scrolls as well?
Comments: 8
Kudos: 45





	1. The Works of Women

“Shiiinji, why are you so SAD?” Misato Katsuragi swung her half-full beer can to her lips, almost knocking over the other five other cans at the table. Usually she was only tipsy at this point in dinner, but tonight she was drunk, having chugged her first couple beers with an unusual sense or urgency.

“Not sure what you mean, Miss Misato,” Shinji Ikari looked down, gently moving around what was left of his sludge-colored noodles with his chopsticks.

“ccccccccmon, you know what I mean. I don’t think your like most boys your age. You’re…” she gestured her hand around wildly “sad.”

“Yeah well, maybe I am.” He spoke roughly, making firm eye-contact with the uneven gaze of Misato. “My mom’s dead. I have to drive that….thing around. Every time I go in there I get my arm ripped off or my chest blasted open, and my stupid father doesn’t even care. So yeah, I guess I’m not the happiest person in the world. Sorry.”

Misato nodded hurriedly. “You’re right. You’re right, Shinji! You’ve been through a lot. But hey! It’s not all bad, right. You’re healthy and have a roof over your head. All your friends seem to really like you. And, as a big plush, you get to live with a beautiful women, such as myself, and a penguin. Look!” She picked pick up pen-pen and held him over the table as he squirmed in every direction. “It’s a penguin.” 

“I am familiar with Pen-Pen, Miss Misato.”

“What I meeaaaaaaaan is,” she set down Pen-Pen and he scurried off, “a lot of boys your age, they would kill to live in a set-up like this, and you just seem…you’re really sad. And you seem sad about more things than you let on.”

Shinji blushed. “I’m really sorry, Miss Misato. I appreciate you. I’m sorry if I don’t always show it. May I be excused now?”

“Wait! No. Listen. I have to tell you a story. When I was in college, I said that I liked boys. But then I met this girl―don’t worry about her name, it’s not important, don’t worry about it―I met this girl. And she made me realize, that I could just, like girls, and that it would be ok if I did.”

Shinji squinted. “I didn’t know you were gay, Miss Misato.”

“No! I’m bisexual. I like both sexes. It’s all good to me, baby!” She chugged the rest of her beer. “Anyway, the point is, once I could just go around liking sexes, and that things would be fine, I could be a lot freer. I felt a lot happier. And I just, hope that you will think about this,”

“Do you think I’m gay, Miss Misato?”

“No! No. I’m just saying that if you did, it would be fiiiine. And you should just be that, if you want.”

“I like girls, Miss Misato! I mean, boys are….I mostly like girls. So that’s not what I’m sad about.”

“Ok! That’s fine. That’s fine. I just…..want you to be the bestest Shinji you can be ya know.” She got up to the fridge. Shinji seemed deep in thought.

“So….you like boys and girls, right?” 

She gave a thumbs-up and nodded enthusiastically, her mouth stuck to her new beer.

“Can I ask, is there like…a difference? In the way you’re attracted to the two of them?”  


Misato put her hand on her chin. “hmmmmmmmmm I mean they have different things going on but, no, not really. Chocolate or strawberry, it’s all ice cream, you know.” She noticed Shinji’s distance stare. “Something on your mind, kiddo?”

“Does it ever hurt? When you look at a pretty girl, does it ever hurt you.”

“No. No I don’t think it ever has. Does it hurt you, Shinji?”

Shinji closed his eyes and nodded.

“Have I ever hurt you, Shinji?” Her voice got quiet.

He shook his head. “I’m sorry Miss Misato. It’s not you. I’m just a freak. There’s something wrong with me. It’s not your fault.”

“Heeeeeey no no no. Don’t talk like that. This is good. I’m glad your talking. Talking is good. Do you want to talk about why it hurts you.” She put her beer to her side and placed her chin on her hands.

Shinji was quiet for a long time. “I guess I’m jealous. They look so good, and I just…don’t”

“Awww sweet little Shinji, is that it? C’mon here.” She got up and threw her arms around Shinji. “You’re not ugly. Trust me. You’re very handsome boy. I know that loooots of girls would want to date you just the way you are.” Shinji could feel Misato’s boob on his shoulder. He did not move to hug her back. “And anyway, if that’s what you feel bad about, well, there’s maybe there’s something we can work on.” She let go of him and knelt by his side. “Tell me what it is about yourself that you feel bad about.”

Shinji was quiet for for a long time, he gaze stuck on a corner of the room. Eventually, he got up. “I’m sorry, Miss Misato. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t have bothered you with it. He ran to his room and slammed his screen. 

Misato shrugged. “Well, that could have gone worse, honestly.” She took another sip of beer.

Shinji seemed even more sullen over the next couple days. He avoided conversation, except for the minimum necessarily communication and to occasionally snap at Misato for her more slobbish habits. But after a few days, he became chipper, far more pleasant than any Shinji that Misato had known. He was smiling, making conversations, he even cracked a joke at one point. He helped out around the house even more than before, but he did it cheerfully, and his cooking took on a new level of creativity. He had even become good friends with Pen-Pen.

“Well Misato, it looks like you got this wrong.” She thought to herself. “Shinji’s not gay. He’s had a rough couple months, but he’s doing great now. He probably just needed time to get settled. Well, either way I’m glad that you were able to help him. Another win for Misato Katsuragi!”

Misato unlocked the door to their apartment, finding Shinji vigorously scrubbing at a part of the counter. The whole room smelled aggressively of artificial lemon. Shinji immediately stood-up straight like an army private and bowed. “Good evening, Miss Misato!” He said the words hurriedly, as if afraid of a rebuttal.

“Uh, hi Shinji.” She looked perplexed. The whole kitchen seemed to shine, Misato almost felt like she had to squint. Shinji liked to keep the house clean, but this was something else. Everything about this was something else. “Whatever,” she thought, throwing her keys on the table. “I need a drink, hopefully then I can deal with…whatever all this is.” She closed the screen to her room, leaving Shinji standing stiff as a pole.  
Misato came out of her room in her usual evening clothes, seeing Shinji in the same position. “Miss Misato I would like to speak to you about something please.” He spoke hurriedly.

She opened the fridge, grabbing a beer. “Can it wait, Shinji? I really need my unwinding time.”

“Please Miss Misato. I just…really need to say this.” He sounded like he was about to cry.

“Yeah. Ok. What’s going on, Shinji? Everything ok?” She opened her beer. 

In a second Shinji grabbed her beer and placed it on the other end of the table. “No! I need you to be sober for this!”

She held her hands up. “Yes, sir.” Shinji grimaced. “Can you sit down, at least? You’re stressing me out.” Shinji nodded, looking down he walked to the other side of the table. He nodded a few times, as if to prepare his mouth for the sensation of speaking.

“So. What’s on your mind?”

Shinji nodded a few more times. “Ok, so, here it is. When we talked a few weeks ago….you thought that I was uh…Well, it got me thinking. And, I started looking at things, on the computer, and well, it made me realize…There are people like me. I’m not a freak. The way I felt, this could be a normal thing, there was a word for it, and…well, I think that…I’m a uh…”

Misato’s hand was on her heart. Shinji took a few deep breaths. 

“Miss-Missato-I-am-not-a-boy-I-am-a-transgender-girl-and-I-don’t-want-to-be-a-boy-anymore-I-want-to-transition-and-be-a-girl-because-I-am-a-girl-Miss-Missato-I-am-a-girl!.”

Shinji breathed even deeper. She(!) didn’t think that she had ever talked so fast before. Hey eyes were closed: if she opened them, then the whole thing would be done, and she would have to live in this new world that she created, and she didn’t know if it would be a better one. She continued breathing, no idea how fast time was actually passing. It could have been one minute or ten, but she knew that she had to open them, and eventually, she did. Miss Misato was sitting there, her mouth agape, nothing on her face but shock. Shinji closed her eyes again, her mind a river of fear. Her thoughts kept cycling: “Oh God what did I do what did I do what did I-”

Two soft arms were wrapped around Shinji’s body. “Oh sweetie, It’s ok. It’s ok. No, it’s better than ok. It’s amazing. You’re amazing, Shinji. Sorry, you probably don’t…You’re amazing. You fight those things, and you do this, and you just…” Shinji opened her eyes. Misato was facing her now. “You’re going to do this, ok? We’re going to do this. I don’t care if I have to fight every single person in Tokyo-3 to do it. You are going to be you.”

Misato took her hands off Shinji and backed away. “I’m sorry, my little hedgehog. I know you don’t like people getting in your space like that. I was just-”

Now Shinji had her arms around Misato, head on her shoulders, crying. Misato held her.

“So The Third Child is a girl, huh. Can’t say I expected that but in hindsight I’m not too surprised.” Dr. Ritsuko Akagi took another puff of her cigarette.

Misato nodded. “I just thought she was gay.”

“I keep trying to tell you. Not every man that doesn’t want to sleep with you is gay.”

“You shut up!” Misato took a deep breath. “So do you think we can do this? I’m not sure if any of our doctors have had to deal with someone like her.”

Ritsuko shook her head. “The physical health of the Eva pilots is one of NERV’s highest priorities. They’ll fly someone out from the other side of the planet if they need to. What I am worried about is the reactions from certain people”

“The commander? He always seemed so disinterested in his child, I guess I figured he wouldn’t be a problem.”

Ritsuko shook her head. “It’s strange. He doesn’t treat his son―sorry, daughter―the way that you’d expect a father to, and yet he takes just enough curiosity that I don’t believe that he has hatred for her, or even indifference. I think that he cares deep down, and yet is afraid to show it, for whatever reason.”

“It sounds to me like you know a lot about Commander Ikari.”

“I’m just more observant than you.” Ritsuko looked off into the distance. “And anyway, he’s hardly the only one I’m worried about. Shinji and Unit-01 have a unique relationship. You must have noticed it. And I worry….changes in hormones, things like that, it might effect Shinji’s connection to the Eva.”

“Do you really think that a Eva could reject Shinji for something like this? That a monster could have human prejudices.”

“There are many things about these creatures that we don’t know yet. Every new variable introduces a lot of unpredictability.” Ritsko put out her cigarette. “But hey, the good news is, that hotshot pilot from Germany is coming soon. If she’s as good as I’ve heard, maybe we won’t need Shinji to pilot at all.”

“Pervert!” Asuka Langley Soryu slapped Shinji across the face. They wore matching red plugsuits in the lower floor of a rumbling aircraft carrier.

“What? What did I do?”

“You keep looking at my boobs!”

“I’m not looking at your boobs!”

“That’s my plugsuit! It’s based on my on my boobs! That’s basically my boobs!”

“It’s on my body! I can look where I want! You’re the one who made me where this stupid thing anyway!” A outside explosion shook the ground they were standing on. 

“Whatever. Let’s get in the Eva, weirdo. The sooner I don’t have to be around you, the better.”

“Captain Katsuragi, as both a fellow member of NERV and your friend I must say that I have serious considerations about this proposed living arrangement.”

Misato waved her hand. “It’ll be fine. Shinji’s so easy to get along with, and I think she’ll like having another girl around. It’ll be good for them to bond, help them pilot together.

Ritsuko shook her head. “That girl seems difficult to get around with when she’s in a good mood, and Shinji in particular seems to make her go crazy. And transitioning is a challenge under the best circumstances, introducing a stranger into her living area cannot be beneficial.”

Misato waved her hand around some more. “Shinji needs more girl friends. Right now she just has Rei, and Rei hardly counts. It’ll be be good for her to have someone else her own age around. It’s been a while since I was a teenage girl, there’s probably all sorts of young people stuff that she can tell her about.”

“You don’t even know if Asuka will think of Shinji as a girl! You can’t just assume that people will be ok with this.”

“Asuka’s not a bad person. I know she can be a bit much but her heart’s in the right place.”

“Do you want my honest opinion, Captain?”

“I’m sure that you’re going to give it to me.”

“I think that you’ve gotten arrogant. You got lucky with Shinji. Whatever probably-drunk nonsense you said to her happened to help, and now you’re under the impression that you’re a perfect parent just because you’ve spent a few months with a kid that is in many ways more mature than you are.”

Misato gritted her teeth. “If it doesn’t work out then we can figure something else out. But trust me. It. Will. Be Fine. Shinji’s gonna love it.”

“Miss Misato, I thought she was going to be leaving now. We beat the angel. We synchronized our movements and everything. Why is she still here?” Shinji was whispering, terrified of being heard through those thin Japanese walls that Asuka hated so much.

“Please, Pen-Pen, I’m so tired, I’ve been at work for so long.” Misato hid her face under her pillow in her dark, dirty room. She was still wearing most of her work clothes. 

“I just don’t see why she needs to be here.”

“A girl her age shouldn’t be living all alone. It’s not safe or healthy. That’s how you get Reis.”

“Can’t she stay with someone else? What about Mr. Kaji?”

She laughed. “He hate that so much It’d almost be worth it. But no. I like having you two around. It’s nice.”

“It’s not nice. She’s awful.”

“She’s just misunderstood. She’s not a bad person.”

“She’s a horrible person.”

“She’s not that bad a person.”

“I just,” Shinji’s voice cracked, “It felt so good. To be able to come up home and just be a girl. Now I can’t do anything. I can’t wear those old clothes you gave me, you can’t do my makeup anymore, we have to hide just to talk about it, it’s just…” she teared up.

“Ah please don’t cry” Misato lifted her head up. “You know you’d have to tell her eventually right?”

“I know it’s just…it’s hard. Telling you was already so hard. And there’s still so much.”

“I know. But look at it this way. You want to transition soon, right? I don’t want to rush you, but that’s what you’ve told me. And the way you’ve acted since then, I think that’s what you want. So maybe this can be like, motivation. The sooner you tell everyone, the sooner you will be you.”

“I just don’t get why you’d do this to me.”

“Oh don’t say that.” Misato looked at her. “Look, if Asuka has a problem with this, we’ll figure out a different living situation for her. I’m team Shinji all the way. Ride or Die. But you should give people a chance before you write them off. They may surprise you.”

Shinji nodded. “Maybe you’re right, Miss Misato.”

“I usually am. Please let me sleep now.”Her face fell into her pillow

Shinji walked into the living room and closed the door to Misato’s room behind her. She wiped a tear from her eye.

“Have you been crying?” Asuka was laying of the floor, her head turned away from the tv.

“No! Shut up.”

“Whatever. Not sure what you have to be sad about. You get to live with the beautiful Asuka Langley Soryu. You should remember how lucky you are.”


	2. Shinji II

“Ayanami!” Shinji waved to Rei from one of the benches outside school, an envelope in her hand.

“Good evening Ikari.” Rei bowed and then sat down besides Shinji. “Major Katsuragi informed me that we are to speak.”

“We sure are!” Shinji knew Rei, and knew that she more likely to show up if the request came in the form of an order.

“I am curious what you wished to discuss with me. I would think that all piloting matters could be discussed at headquarters.”

“You’re right Ayanami.” Shinji started to take a handwritten note out of the envelope. “This has nothing to do with the Evas. But it is important. Trust me.”

“I trust you.”

Shinji smiled.She thought Rei had seemed almost frightening when they had first met, but ever since they piloted together she found her presence very soothing, in a way she didn’t really understand. She was already much more relaxed than when she had come out to Misato, more a joyful nervousness than fear.

“Dear Rei Ayanami, I am writing you this letter because I consider you an important person in my life, and I have big news that I have to share with you.” She looked up. As usual Rei’s face was a mask of neutrality. “I have recently realized that I am transgender. This means that, although I have lived my entire life as a boy, I am actually a girl, and I very soon intend to begin transitioning and begin living as a girl. Among other things, this means that I am going to begin taking hormones to feminize my body, and I am going to dress like a girl and wear makeup and do all the other things that girls do. I know that you probably have some questions and that’s ok, I would love to discuss them with you. For now just know that I am doing what will make me happy, and I hope that you will be willing to take this journey with me. Best regards, Shinji.”

It took Shinji a few moments to look up. Rei’s face had not changed. “I owe you an apology, Ikari. I thought that you were a boy all this time. I seem to have made some incorrect assumptions about the difference between genders. I am sorry.”

Shinji smiled. “Oh Ayanami, you don’t have to apologize for that! It’s not your fault. A lot of people don’t realize that.”

“I see.”

“So uhh….you’re ok with, all of this?”

“I see no reason why I shouldn't be”

“That’s great! I mean, I really thought you would be, but, you never really know, you know.” She scratched the back of her head. “You’re actually the only person I told, besides Miss Misato.”

“You haven’t told The Second Child?”

“Well, no.”

“You still reside together, do you not? It seems to me like you would have plenty of opportunity to.”

“Well yes, but―”

“What about the commandeer? I would think that he would want to know the gender of his own child.”

“I’m going to tell him! Eventually…”

“I thought that this was something you wanted, Ikari. I don’t understand why you would wait.”

“Well, it’s a scary thing to do, Ayanami. I don’t know how he’ll react.”

“He is a reasonable man. If you tell him the same things you told me I sure that he will understand.”

“No, Ayanami, I can’t be sure about that. A lot of people aren’t so accepting of me people like me.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Well,” Shinji had to think for a second. She felt like she was in a cheesy sci-fi movie from the 60’s, explaining earthling racism to a confused-but-well-meaning alien. “Some people, if I told them what I just told you, they wouldn’t react the way you did. They would get mad, or call me a freak, or say that I’m just a delusional, mentally-ill man. A lot of people only know a little bit about people like me, so they don’t respond well, or they’ve already made up their mind on us, and they just hate us.” She was starting to get emotional. 

Rei was quiet for a while. “I don’t hate you, Ikari. And I don’t see why I would hate anyone for something like that.”

Shinji’s voice was starting to crack. “Oh Rei, I wish everyone was like you, the world would be a much better place.”

“No. I don’t believe that is true.” There was a distance pain in her voice. Sometimes Rei seemed just as strange to Shinji as when they had first met.

“Well, I hope that these things go well for you. With the help of Major Katsuragi I believe that they will. And I think that…you will do well as a girl. Is that all you wished to discuss?”

Shinji cheeks were a deep red. “Yes, Ayanami, that’s it. That you so much for coming. It means a lot to me.”

“Yes.” She stood up. “I am honored that you…consider me an important person in your life.” She made a curt bow and walked away.

“Now, eventually you’re going to be able to get these from your regular doctor.” Dr. Akagi turned a key on the panel of the NERV elevator, stopping it in place. “But for right now, me and Misato thought it was best to keep this all in the family, so-to-speak.” 

“I understand.” Shinji couldn’t take her eyes off the white paper bag in Ritsko’s hands. “No paperwork means nobody finds out something they shouldn’t.”

“Clever girl.” Ritsko smiled and handed the bag over to Shinji. “Although, I sometimes think Misato forgets that I’m not that kind of doctor. I think the lab coat confuses her.” Shinji chuckled. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you laugh, Ikari.”

She smiled. “I’ve been doing it more and more, I’ve noticed. Everything’s starting to feel lighter. It’s nice.”

“Well I’m glad. Do you have another name yet?”

“I’m working on it. I don’t want to rush it or anything. I want to find a name I’m really happy with.”

She nodded. “Now, I have to ask, do you have an idea of when you’re going to start taking those.”

“Today. I...have too.”

“Understandable. But I have to warn you, most girls like you, they’ll have a good three months, maybe six, before the changes become too noticeable that they can’t hide it. But with you…the plug suits don’t really leave much to the intimation. Between that and the level of scrutiny your physical health is under, I’d say you have a month, month-and-a-half before you have to come out. You ok with this.”

Shinji clinched her fists and nodded. “I’m sure. I don’t want to run away.” 

The elevator jerked back into motion as RItsuko put her keys back in her pocket. “As long as your sure. Because if you don’t come out soon, people are going to ask questions. And you’re going to have to answer them.”

“What are those?” Asuka asked across a messy dinner table, eyeing the pill bottle in Shinji’s hand. 

“Don’t worry about it, Asuka,” said Misato from behind another sip of beer.

Asuka was quiet for a few moments. “Oh, I get it. You don’t have to feel bad about it, Shinji, lots of people need happy pills to make their brains feel better. It’s perfectly ok. I bet I’ll like drugged up Shinji better, anyway.”

“Shut up! I’m not on antidepressants, Asuka!”

"Then what the heck are you on, that you need to be so secretive about it?”

“Don’t worry about it, I just―HEY”

Asuka had snatched the pills from Shinji’s hand. “Now, let’s see what weirdo medicine you have to take, Sh―OW” Pen-Pen had bit Asuka’s other hand, causing her to drop the bottle. “Misato, control your animal!” Misato’s hand was over her mouth, clearly hiding her laughter. 

Pen-Pen placed the bottle next to Shinji’s plate. “Thank you, Pen-Pen.” She patted him on the head.”

Asuka’s rubbed one of Misato’s spare beers on the red mark on her hand. “Fine. Whatever. Keep whatever weirdo pervert medicine your taking a mystery from me.Not like I care.” 

Toji Suzahara stared up at the blinding summer sky, his face frozen in a gruff frown that seemed to be struggling to create a thought. 

“So you’re going to be like, a real girl, right?” Kensuke Aida had a confused expression on his face. Misato had suggested that Shinji might want to come out to these two in a public, busy place (“that boy did punch you in the face, after all”.), so she had chosen the food court of the shopping district, which was at its busiest around Saturday afternoon. Besides Shinji and her friends, seven people were spread out across thirty-five tables. In Tokyo-3, busy places can be hard to come by.

“Not sure what you mean, Toji.” Shinji was blushing. She was pretty sure she knew what he meant. 

“You know,” He learned in close and held his hand to her ear. “Are you gonna…get your wiener cut off?”

“Kensuke! You can’t just ask questions like that!”

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Kensuke held his hands up. “You said we could ask questions.”

“Well it’s not really something I like to talk about. And it doesn’t matter anyway. There’s more to being a girl than that.”

“ I guess.” His face looked like he was struggling with a difficult math problem. Toji had not moved. “So is this like, an Eva thing?”

“This has nothing to do with the Evas, Kensuke! I don’t get why you would even ask that?”

“Well I don’t know. The other two pilots are girls. I thought maybe they needed a woman’s touch.” 

“That’s not it at all. Actually, Dr. Akagi thinks it might hurt my connection to the Eva, if anything.”

“Oh really?” Kensuke smirked. “Well if you can’t pilot it anymore, maybe you can give a good word to--”

“Aida, shut up!” Toji had forcefully stood up, his face still stuck in that struggling expression. “Look Shinji, you know I’m not…I got a D in health, so I’m not the best at these things, but..”Toji gritted his teeth, struggling with him words. “If anyone messes with you, you just let me know, and I’ll knock ‘em out, ok? Because nobody messes with my friends!” He pounded his fist on his hand for emphasis. 

“Yeah, Shinji. I know I don’t…get it really. But we’re you’re friends, ok? We want to help you. I mean you saved our lives! You saved a lot of people. So if this will make you happy then…yeah, sounds good.” Kensuke gave a weak thumbs up while toji nodded.

Shinji smiled weakly, and nodded a few times. “Thanks, guys.” She threw her arms around Toji in a tight hug.

Toji blushed, and hesitantly hugged her back. “Oh jeeze. It’s not often I get a hug from a girl. You did say you were a girl, right.”

“Now, are you sure you’re ready for this, Shinji?” Misato and Shinji were crouched together in Misato’s messy room.

“I have to do it,Miss Misato. I’m sick of hiding in my own home.” She clenched her fists. “She seems to have gotten nicer, at least. Ever since I saved her life.”

Misato smiled. “Great. “I’ll be right beside you the whole time. Everything is going to be ok. You ready?”

She tried to give a smile and nodded. They opened the door.

Asuka was laying on the floor, watching tv with Pen-Pen. “Hey uhhh, Asuka…” Shinji was shaking and tightly clenched a letter in her hand. “There’s, uh, something I want to talk to you about…”

“Wait ‘til the commercials, idiot, want to see what―” turning around, Asuka’s eyes immediately locked on the letter, her mouth opening wide. “Shinji…what uh, what’s going on?” Her voice had gotten softer than Shinji had ever heard it. Asuka’s gaze found Misato standing besides Shinji. “Wait, what is she doing here?”

Misato gave her a neutral frown. “Please just hear what Shinji has to say.” Asuka frowned uncertainly.

“So uhh,” Shinji held the letter in front of her face, blocking out Asuka completely. “I am writing you this letter because you are a…person in my life, and I have important news that I want to share with you. I have recently realized that …I am…transgender. This means that―”

“No.” There was a quiet shock in Asuka’s voice.

“Asuka, let her finish!” Misato called it out like an order. Asuka’s mouth opened up at “her.”

“So uhh,” Shinji hadn’t moved the letter, “this means that, although I have lived my entire life as a boy, I am… actually… a girl, and I very soon intend to--”

The letter was slapped out of Shinji’s view, replaced by a scowling Asuka. “So it’s you, huh.”

“Asuka, what are you uhhh…” Shinji trailed off, shaking, her eyes trying to figure out Asuka’s expression. They were like that for a while, with Misato standing by the side, observing.

Asuka took a few huffs. Gradually, her grimace faded into a sad frown. “I hate you, Shinji Ikari,” She whispered, walking off. 

Misato put her arm around Shinji’s shoulder. “You ok, girlfriend? I was prepared for Asuka to start yelling.Somehow I think that felt worse.” 

“Yeah. Yeah I am.” Shinji sounded surprised.” I was so worried, and now that it happened…of course I can handle something like this. And besides, I just realized, when Asuka acts like she does…it’s not really about me, is it?”

Misato smiled. “Yeah, I think you’re right. Well, if you’re ok than I’m ok.” She walked towards the kitchen. “You want a beer, Shinji?”

“...I’m fourteen, Miss Misato.”

“Oh that’s right.” She opened the door to the fridge. “Of course you won’t have a beer. You’re much too mature for that.”

“You know, Shinji, the word for girlfriend literally means ‘distant woman.’ Women are on a distant shore, as far as us men are concerned. A river wider and deeper than any ocean separates men and women.” Ryoji Kaji was watering a patch of watermelons, with Shinji standing awkwardly by his side.

“Ok.” There was no place Shinji would rather be less than here, having “guy talk” with Mr Kaji. And yet she knew the truth of his words, maybe better than anyone. One one level she had always known that there was something separating her from being like people like Kaji or Toji or Kensuke or her father. Despite all their superficial differences, in many ways she was much more like Misato, or Ritsuko, or even Asuka. Sometimes it felt like it was the only thing that she and Asuka had in common. She could try to put it into words: she felt, kinder, gentler, more sensitive, more ethereal. But in the end, it was something strange and indescribable, something she could never describe yet something that contained a whole truth of her soul. Something deeper than the ocean.

Kaji gave a long, thoughtful look at Shinji. “Sorry. I just heard you and Asuka were fighting. Sounded serious. Figured it may be a ‘lovers quarrel.’”

Shinji blushed. “What? No! Me and Asuka are not a thing!”

“Ah. So it’s still like that, is it?”

“Asuka not interesting in me. She wants you, Mr. Kaji.”

“Asuka doesn’t want me. If she had me, she knew that. But there are some lessons you can’t learn without it already being too late to learn them.” He looked off into the distance for a moment. “Asuka’s just a kid. If she needs to be in a relationship, it should be with another kid. Perhaps a boy her own age, somebody sensitive and kind,a watery balm that can calm her fiery spirit.”

“I’m not a boy, Mr. Kaji.” The words fell out of Shinji’s mouth, finishing before she could stop it. She held her hand to her mouth, as if to try to put them back in.

“Hm?” Kaji looked at her, an eyebrow raised.

“Trans…gender.” She spoke hesitantly, like she had just learned how to speak.

“Ah, I see. Of course.” He looked off into the distance again. “Well Asuka’s going to be crushed.”

She looked down. “Is…is that really all you have to say?”

“Oh Ikari, don’t misunderstand me.” He knelt, placing a hand on Shinji’s shoulder. “One of the greatest joys in the world is observing the millions of ways each living thing blossom, seeing the different paths that lives take in becoming themselves. I find you to be a wonderful thing, Ms. Ikari.” He smiled.

Ritsuko pressed a button on the NERV elevator.“I’m so nervous. I feel like I’m the one coming out.” 

Misato’s eyes were glued straight ahead. “Shinji’s the one whose being brave. For her, we can do this.”

Ritsko looked over with a smirk. “You know, the only reason I agreed to come along is because I knew you’d chicken out if I didn’t. You’d lie and say you did, and then just hope that The Commander didn’t do anything when you finally put the announcement out.”

“Shut up! I would not have!” She looked at the floor. “I only thought about it for a second,” she thought. “How the heck did she know that, anyway?”

“Major, Doctor.” Commander Gendo Ikari’s hands were on his chin, NERV headquarter visible on the enormous viewing screen that made up the floor of his office. “This matter involving The Third Child had better be important.”

“We think you’ll agree that it’s a matter that justifies your direct involvement, sir.” Ritsuko spoke with a professional ease, like she was at any regular work meeting. “But first, we have to ask, are you familiar with the term ‘transgender,’ sir?”

Gendo was quiet for a few moments. “I beg your pardon.”

“Well, you see, sometimes a person is assigned the wrong sex at birth, which means―”

“I know what it means. What does this have to do with my son?”

“Well, sir, you see, The Third Child came to us recently, and―”

“Sir, Shinji came to me,” Misato spoke forceful, and with pride. “She told me what she wants. That she’s a she. And the way she’s been, the last few weeks, she’s been so much more natural, and so much happier. There is no doubt in my mind. You have a daughter, sir.”

Ritsuko nodded. “The existence of transgender people is a legitimate medical fact. I can bring you research on it, if you wish.

Gendo was quiet for a long time, his expression as impenetrable as ever. “That won’t be necessarily. You have my approval to do whatever is necessary for…all this, as long as it does not interfere with his duties as an Evangelion pilot. I see no reason for you to bring matters such as this to my attention again. Doctor, you are dismissed. Major, a word.”

Ritsuko smiled and give a quick wave to Misato, leaving a gulping Major alone with The Commander.

“Major Katsuragi, up until this point I have viewed your unusual relationship with my son to be a benign convenience. However, if I have any reason to believe that whatever the two of you get up is interfering with our battle against the angels, there will be consequences. Understand?”

Something painful awoke within Misato. “Sir, I can assure you that I would never risk our mission on something as trivial as the happiness of one teenager.” The words came out of her suddenly and forcefully, like vomit, and she looked ashamed when she had finished.

Gendo was quiet for a moment. “Excellent. You are dismissed.”

“So, how’d it go?” Shinji looked up from a fashion magazine, a well-worn blue dress on her body and a red bow in her hair. There was a whole pile of magazines in front of her, although it looked like most of them were about cars.

Misato put her keys on the table and knelt besides Shinji, an unnaturally-wide grin on her face. “It wen great, Shinji! He’s so supportive, you wouldn’t believe it. He actually smiled! I had never seen the commander smile before. You’re real lucky, girlfriend. You have a lot of people on your side.” Misato walked into her room without looking back. 

“She could have at least tried to make it sound believable.” Shinji said with a frown. “I know my father wouldn’t smile for something like that,” 

On the other side of the table, Asuka had just finished eating a banana. “Well, idiot, your daddy does seem to be just as much of a freak weirdo as you are. Maybe he actually is ok with it.” She had finally started talking to Shinji again, although it seemed that she was trying to cram in even more insults into every sentence than usual.

“Thanks, Asuka.” She really did appreciate the honesty.

“Hey! Ikari!” Shinji turned around, finding Hikari Hotoi standing right behind her in the school hallway.

“Oh, hey Class Rep.” There was a strange look on Hikari’s face, one that Shinji didn’t think she had ever seen before. It felt like a combination of adoration and pity,the kind of look you’d give a kitten sentenced to death.

“How are you doing, Ikari? Is everything ok?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine.” Shinji was confused. Hikari was usually all-business, she wasn’t the type to make small talk.

“That’s great! I’m glad.” She gave a big smile. “So, as Class Representative, one thing that is very important to me is to make sure that all students feel safe and healthy. All types of students, no matter who they are. I want everyone to feel like they could be themselves. So, if you ever need anything, please let me know, ok?”

Shinji was blushing. She couldn’t tell if Hikari thought she was being subtle or not. “Uh, yeah, I will. Thanks.”

“You’re so welcome.” Hikari gave another smile. Shinji didn’t think she had ever seen Hikari smile so much in her life.

“Hey! Hikari!” Asuka came stomping towards them. “We’re supposed to walk home together, remember? Stop talking to this idiot and lets go!”

“Sure, just one second.” Hikari gave one last sympathetic, pitiful look at Shinji. “You’re really something, Ikari. Everything’s going to be ok, I just know it,” she said as Asuka dragged her away.

“What did the Class Rep want, Ikari?” Toji came up to Shinji, closely followed by Kensuke.

Shinji sighed. “I think Asuka told her about my…situation.”

Kensuke gasped. “Isn’t that like, a really bad thing to do? You made it sound like that was a really bad thing to do.”

“I’m sorry, Ikari. I just can’t hit a girl. Now if Soryu came out as transgender…” Toji pounded his fist into his hand and smiled.

“It’s ok guys,” Shinji said, her gazed fixed straight ahead. “She was nice. And besides, it’s not like she wouldn’t find out soon enough.”

“Oh yeah.” The reflection of the sun bounced off Kensuke’s glasses. “That is coming right up, isn’t it? 

“Week-and-a-half. That’s the day Miss Misato and I settled on.”

“Wow, that’s so soon! Do you think you’ll be ready.”

“I’m ready.” Shinji was opening and closing her hand.


End file.
